irony of life

there are infact billions of people living in this world and many of that billions of people are though alive but dying. we live for a reason that we don't kow, we struggle to survive, but this is life, we don't live long, we are limited, there is always a " the end" in every "once upon a time", and that is death. do you fear death? why is that almost evreybody is afraid of death? we should never be afraid of it, its part of the process. Death is nomal. everyone of us will die, right? whoever you are or whatever you do you can never prevent death from coming. death is like a thief it comes when you lease expect it.

     four years ago we've  discovered that I have an illness, I have mets in my lungs and a thyroid cancer. my mom cried and cried the whole week. I felt a huge amount of guilt, I felt sorry for them, and for my self. I know it wasn't my fault but that's what I felt. after knowing that I'm actually dying, I started to care , like I'm too young to die , and that I still have dreams that I want to see it come true, its funny when you know you're dying you actually start to care about you're life and how you want to extend it. we are so afraid to die that we make excuses when death is approaching us. And another funny thing is I was diagnose to it right after I had my first ever period. it was like CONGRATIOLATIONS YOURE A WOMAN-------- NOW DIE! .

      I was forced to stop going to school, I don't have lots of friends I am contented with just one. I have a friend named lily and we're bestfriends since kindergardem since my mom and her mom are collegues. I envy her so much because she can do what she wants to do in her life, she can go clubbing, drinking and she can breath normally without the help of an oxygen tank. unlike me, I always wear this oxgen tube and carrying an oxygen tank everywhere I go. I know, it sucks being me.

     Lily visited me last month at the hospital, I was rushed to the hospital because of the pain that I'm feeling and because I can't breath. I thought that Im gonna die that day I even heard my mom and dad said " its okay to let go sweetheart, we'll be okay" and I heard mom whiper to my father "I don't have a child anymore, I will never be a mother again." it pains me seeing them cry and that was the last thing I remembered that day. days after I woke up feeling normal again (  by normal, I meant like the usual thing that I always feel). lily was there she asked me if what is it that I fear, I said I fear of leaving my parents I want to be their child and I want to have them as my parent and I also told her " I want to ask you a favor, if I die visit me in my funeral, eulogize for me lily, and one last thing hug my mother for me". she laughs half  crying and she nod.

     anything can happen in just a short span of time. And that today we're going to lily's funeral. I wasn't expecting this to happen, nobody is expecting this to happen like what they expected to happen to me. it was just last month I want her to eulogize for me but right now I'm the one eulogizing for her. when our family walk in the chapel I saw her coffin. I just stand there picturing out my own funeral. so this is what it looks like. you see I haven't been to anyones funeral, I just don't want to. aunty jules hug me after talking to mom, she told me the reason behind lily's death. she was driving home from a club, she's so drunk, she lose control and slam to a truck. she cried and cried she also told me how much aunty misses her,that how she wishes that she's inside that coffin and not her daughter. I don't know what to say, I just hug her. this is so ironic, the favor that I want lily to do to me in my funeral is what I'm doing to her funeral. 

Inspired by John Green, Author of the Fault in our Stars :))